A Student Of Mines Just Got Married: My Take On The Situation + ONE-itis
Alright, I’m no fan of (young) marriages…young meaning marriages consisted of couples under the age of 40.
Why is Kenny not a fan of such matrimonial bonding?
Simply because in these highly promiscuous times, the institute of marriage is virtually destined to fail.
Another thing to point out before I get into deliberations on the new marriage of 1 of my former disciples [I use disciple since he'd propagated my teachings] ,is that I firmly believe that young persons marry for all the wrong fucking reasons: superficiality, social status and fad-following.
Coupled with a void in knowledge as to what it takes to actually sacrifice where you’re no longer living for 2 but for one or as one.
The average young person is not willing to genuinely make that sacrifice, hence the underlying reason as to why young marriages fail at such a tremendously high rate and are predestined to fail from the onset.
Too many of us are willing to give lip service but when shit actually hits the fan: we’re unwilling to execute.
Ok enough preaching :) !
Anyway, so a former student of mines whom I’ve been training in Pickup over the past year and a half, just got married last weekend.
If I were the average self-absorbed dating advisor, I would pat myself on the shoulder knowing that a disciple of Kenny’s dating madrasa had found himself a girlfriend- and not only that- but took the greatest leap towards matrimony :) .
This should give me credibility out the roof, right?
However, there’s no spiking the proverbial football neither victory dance on my end.
I am actually disappointed with the turn of events.
Sounds fucked up I guess…but I’ll explain.
Firstly- I never encouraged him to take such a leap [not that he needs my encouraging nudge].
Actually, we never spoke of marriage at all!
This had totally blindsided me!
My general advisory to him, and to every other guy whom I personally tutor, is to get laid, cultivate an attractive lifestyle which will draw more women into your life, ride this wave out for however long you can, you’ll meet few decent-minded chicks on the way, you’ll get into a few relationships with some of them, all will fail, you’ll fall into depression, but like a phoenix: you’ll rise again :) .
That is the slim-down version of what I teach in a nutshell.
Marriage is NOT in the deck of cards as for Kenny’s dating curriculum, unless the guy has been with a specific girl exceeding 8 or more years, and has attained the ripe age of 40 +.
This is a far cry from the position of my buddy, Laid NYC, who advocates not marrying women over the age of 25.
Now, what makes my former pupil’s situation even more troubling, is that he barely knows the girl…on a deeper level.
They’ve only gotten acquainted upwards of a year: not even 12 full-blown fucking months :shock: !
That’s the prototypical gist for lots of men who were once sex-deprived, but now accrued some skills to get laid, but are unable to keep things in perspective so they cling onto the first girl who likes them.
This also happens to lots of us who are newbies to Pickup and are coming from a Scarcity Mentality where having girls in our lives was once a rarity.
Those guys learn about Pickup/Seduction, hit the field, hop into the dating pool and the 1st. girl whom they hit it off with: they fucking fall in love [rather in lust], get hitched, drop out of the Game, devote themselves to the idea of love with this strange person whom they don’t even know on a semi-intricate level since they [the men] never bothered to screen the girl prior to getting into a relationship with her…
That is the unfortunate narrative for many of us who begin to get good with women.
We become so hung up on the validation of finally getting poon, that a desperate feeling to latch onto the first girl who likes us, begins to germinate…when in most cases, this girl often times the wrong girl.
As in the case of my former disciple/pupil; I feel no trepidation in saying that the same had transpired. He came from a position of scarcity, didn’t have success with women prior, never had a real girlfriend in his life and was simply overwhelmed by the novel process.
How he and I met was at a bar 1 night, he seen me in action, had the social courage to pull me aside just to show admiration for my Game, he got intrigued, then sought live in-field one-on-one coaching on a weekly basis.
As he began to proverbially grease the wheel, tweak his fashion and style and became more social in general- BAAM; women started to gravitate towards him!
Within a 5 month span, he slept with perhaps 2 different girls [pretty good #'s for a guy who didn't get laid in years].
Once again, coming from a position of “scarcity”, he felt an impulse to cling onto 1 of the 2 girls in whom he’d fucked, subconsciously in order to not revert to a life of no sex.
Coupled with the fact that he was in lust out the roof and intoxicated off dopamine [the so-called love hormone], he felt that this girl was the 1: the soul-mate essentially.
As with most of us, he couldn’t rationalize as to why he felt this way about this 1 girl. All he knew was that he was hooked on this 1.
What it really boils down to is the mind playing tricks, knowing that he’s coming from a scarcity frame, never really met a chick who was so into him so early, therefore he tricked himself into believing that he actually loved this girl and must settle fast before he loses her!
This happens to many of us!
Most of us in fact!
This is primarily why in Pickup, we advocate a counter strategy which is that if you meet a girl and you think that she’s the 1, or you think that she’s so special; then go fuck 2 more girls and see how special that other girl really is to you.
You’ll be surprised to discover that the “fetishized” aura which you’d attached to the 1 girl, was just a mirage born out of lust and insecurity. But until you go fuck some other chick(s), you’ll convince yourself that this 1 girl is “the one”, and she’s inherently special, hence “I must cling to her [this illusion]“.
In retrospect, the former pupil in question had met a hot girl, convinced himself that she was special [although he didn't know much of her], neglected to properly scrutinize [a byproduct of being in-lust], now less than a year later; he marries her.
Why is this a bad thing?
The underlying cause of relationship failure comes down to a lack of scrutiny and dereliction in screening the other party.
People want to, and tend to believe that others are better than they [the others] actually are.
What I mean by that is, as we allow new people into our lives, we tend to amplify the positives and pretend as though we don’t see the faults and negatives.
Therefore, when a guy meets girl [or vice versa], despite consciously knowing that this girl would make a terrible girlfriend who’s inclined to promiscuity; the average guy turns a blind eye to those crucial hunches and red flags, instead place more focus on the fair-seeming qualities in the girl.
Now this sounds good and all…until 4 months down the road, you get flogged in the fucking face by the same red flags which you’d consciously ignored when you first met the girl :mad: !
Likewise with the average Jane: she meets a seemingly decent guy whom she’s hung up on, she sees all the red flags waving, knows that this guy’s an ardent bad-boy player, a terrible potential father-figure perhaps a deadbeat, yet she focuses on his exterior qualities and physical affectations while blocking out his negative qualities and personality traits.
Ten months later; gets knocked up by a guy who doesn’t want shit to do with her neither the soon-to-be bastard child.
It’s not that they guy was so evil.
The girl knew what she was getting into!
She knew the type of guy she was possibly to deal yet she makes a horrible-judgment call being hung up on looks, lust, dopamine and emotions, while ignoring the amber lit alarms!!!
Now, how does this relate to my newly-wedded pupil?
He met a nice girl but got carried away by focusing on her seemingly nice qualities (most likely superficial) while downplaying the ones which signal that he should quickly engage the hand brake for a sudden stop!
Prior to his elopement, I’d met the same girl at a party and was able to size her up for my personal observation under the proverbial microscope.
She is not nearly as ready for a monogamous engagement [not at this stage of her life] :shock: .
Not only is she not ready; but he isn’t neither!
He only thinks he is, but that’s’ due to the disorder of One-itis as we’d say in the Pickup Community.
That is: being infatuated with 1 girl.
Plus I have enough data to surmise that he isn’t ready for marriage based on the conversations we’ve had over the past months.
Prior to the marriage, just late last week actually, we had conversations of other girls he’d love to bang in the coming weeks.
Now isn’t that telling?
Could’ve been machismo talking but whatever!
How can you get married, and within the same week of the marriage, hash out specific plans of other girls you’d like to shag!?
Basically: he isn’t ready; nor is she.
He wants his cake and eat it too.
Now, you have a marriage consummated by 2 persons who aren’t built for such a life-altering experience and just aren’t ready for marriage.
Then why marry?
I’m not a marriage expert, but the answer to that is very subjective and various.
The intricate “whys” of getting married isn’t the point.
The base issue that I’m raising here is, why marry when you’re not in the state of mind for such a committed relationship.
My former pupil has no business marrying at this stage of his life!
For crying out loud: he’s only fucking 27 years of age [the wife is about the same age]!
She obviously didn’t agree to the marriage out of scarcity, since women always have options.
However, he surely popped the question to her out of scarcity and a sense of “rush”; “I need to totally lock this chick down right now before she gets away”!
That’s a terrible lens from which to view the dating scene!
This is why in Pickup, we always teach guys to harness abundance, fuck tons of women, then out of that pool of abundance, you’ll have a variety of women to chose from instead of clinging to 1 as if she were a life-raft at sea.
I wish that I could show more optimism towards my former pupil’s new journey of matrimony, but to be real here; I see looming doom and gloom, particularly orchestrated by the wife since she’s obviously the 1 in the position of power while he’s the subservient one who felt a need to cling.
He hasn’t been gaming long enough to know what it is to truly attract and seduce women.
He doesn’t know what love is!
He hasn’t had enough male-female interactions and experiences on numerous levels to see through the maze of courtship.
So the fact that he’s lucked up and decided to go all in without exhausting a moderate amount of foresight, it’s an indication of what’s to come during the marriage.
Not only is that a strike against him but the fact that this was a massive-rush job to marry a chick he hasn’t been with but for 10 months…that is frightening!
Now, did I voice my objections and grievances to him?
I’m the type of guy who would allow you hang yourself if it takes that to wake you up [which might be too late]!
I believe pain is the greatest teacher and that most of us will only learn once we’ve been burnt and butt-fucked over a few times especially by people who we thought would never hurt us.
Therefore, had I tried talking the pupil out of the marriage, it’d be akin to me saying to him: “Don’t learn! Don’t go gather experiences in life”!
Sounds mercenary but I am of the belief that one has to get fucked over by women in dating in order to learn and hopefully rise again.
Lacking experience (good or bad) with women, he has never been truly hurt by a woman, never been dumped, never been cheated on, hasn’t had his heart ripped out, etc.
He, including most of us, will have to first make some ridiculously stupid decisions in life that would virtually drive him to the brink of suicide before waking up [figuratively speaking]!
In his case (since he’s now married), that would come in the form of a nasty divorce, alimony battles, child-custody fights, etc.
So in hindsight; this mistake will have been the best thing he could’ve done for himself…as far as dating is concerned.
To hit on the point I made earlier about guys who learn the skills to date yet neglect to use them; we’ve all been there!
When a guy first gets into Pickup, learns about women and dating and he starts to have gradual successes and gets a lay here and there: his natural tendency will be to jump into a relationship with the 1st. girl who let’s him fuck her twice or more.
Perhaps he gets pussy-whipped [Just Saying] ;) !
From there; the One-itis disorder rapidly develops!
A fellow-seduction coach with whom I’ve had issues [The Black Dragon], wrote a great piece on One-itis: 9 Steps to avoid One-itis.
In order to reverse the death spiral of One-itis, one has to now double down on the amount of girls he picks up and fucks.
That is the anti-One-itis pill.
Unfortunately, my former pupil threw out the entire bottle of pills including the residual antidote and went full steam ahead against his best interest!
In closing: do I believe marriage is a bad thing?
In spite of my reservations; I think that any guy who’s sane will eventually marry.
You simply cannot fuck numerous women on a weekly basis at the age of 75…unless in the next 2 decades, old men become the new “in thing” [which is unlikely...and you just won't keep up].
Either that [marry] or you’ll die miserable and alone [studies show that loneliness actually accelerates death in those who don't have partners later on in life].
My problem isn’t marriage itself but the timing of it.
A guy or girl in his or her 20′s-30′s, has no business marrying!
I view marriage as being the icing on the cake of your dating life or a certificate of resignation from player-dom.
No one, in any field, fucking retires before attaining the age of 40…unless he’s a damaged-NFL football player!
Marriage should culminate after you have done all the crazy, elicit shameful shit in your life and you’re now ready to settle the fuck down simply because you’re too drained to keep banging lots of vagina …and hopefully your partner is on the same page and is jaded with random dicks.
Marriage should not be considered if you haven’t fucked over 30 women in your life [and 30 is the least]!
Marriage should not even be considered until you’ve had some 3-somes under your fucking belt!
Those achievements should be canonized prerequisites for a man before being allowed to legally marry…at least in my world ;) !
What actually happens to lots of young-married individuals, is that 2 years in, they begin to resent, reflect and wonder as their lives begin to flash on by and they realize that they haven’t lived, haven’t done shit, have no experiences, have no crazy stories to relate to anyone, etc.
Everyone else is out and about creating unique experiences for themselves while you’re stuck at home with a nagging wife, and she’s stuck at home with a boring husband whom she now resents for ruining her life.
Infidelity ensues on either or both sides and it’s all down hill.
Either it ends in divorce, or the marriage continues but marred with cheating, marriage reconciliation sessions, reconciliation, extramarital affairs, separation…
Had my former pupil kept the relationship as just that- a relationship- no big deal, relationships are meant to born and die until you find 1 that is rooted in the finer things! But that rarely ever happens with your first shot at and dating and relationships.
You have to experience multiple relationships and multiple heartaches in order to learn what it’s all about, and simply to learn how women operate.
You cannot learn about women by marrying the first girl who takes a liking to you.
All in all, my advice to the masses [men particularly]:
*Don’t rush to marry!
*Don’t rush into relationships!
*Have abundance of women!
*Beware of ONE-itis and getting into scarcity mode.
With that, I leave you with 2 instructional videos from the RSD guys:
[Video below: RSD Julien breaking down One-itis]
[Video below: RSD Tyler on the subject of abundance, scarcity mentality, "the one", not being out-come dependent and more]
Oh- as usual, I’d like the straight-talk take of my readers on this matter:
Am I an asshole and dead wrong for not being elated and supportive of this marriage?
Am I right in saying that this was a bad life-altering decision?
Should I have tried talking him out of the marriage [although it would not helped]?
Should I have just kept out and not even write this article altogether?