Yesterday, I was watching an episode of MTV’s Catfish.
Those who are not au-fait with the show, it’s based on virtual couples who fall in love and get into online relationships with others they haven’t met…without actually seeing each other [years on end].
The common theme which plays out is that 1 person had set up a fake dating profile (or Facebook profile) in order to lead the other person on [by posting photos of someone else or assuming someone else's identity].
In the most recent episode I’d watched, a guy who calls himself Scorpio, had set up a fake-online profile which he used photos of a male-stripper in order to appear more attractive to unsuspecting women [in this case, a girl named Trina].
In reality, Scorpio isn’t a male-stripper, doesn’t have a 6-pac, and looks totally different than the guy in his online photos.
Now the girl whom he’d Catfished [tricked into believing he was a male-stripper with solid abs], finally met him face to face and was presented with a chubby guy with a pot-belly who couldn’t remotely become a male-stripper even if he puts his life on it.
Lee, who led Trina on into believing her was a ripped male-stripper named Scorpio.
Pretty deceptive, but that isn’t my issue here.
Few things from an observational mind [my mind]:
1.) Why should a man believe that he has to lie about his physical appearance to get laid or get a girlfriend?
2.) Why is dating so polarizing in America where if you don’t have a 6-pac, you’re essentially undateable?
Now, I’m not chastising women for wanting fit guys who sport wash-board abs [like what I have].
Socialkenny’s hot body
Perhaps the American media is to be blamed for this shallow outlook on dating and mating.
Is the rest of the western world this shallow?
Surprisingly Not!
I find myself liking to make comparisons between regions and nations, so here we go with another comparative reality-check:
In the Caribbean, South America (bar Brazil), Mexico and Central America, the average guy who’s tapping the most ass and getting the most dates are guys with beer-bellies, fat, chubby and out-of shape.
Also the scrawny guys get laid just as much.
Men with solid 6-pac abs and ripped bodies are not getting laid in those regions of the world [not even in the U.S.].
Women of those regions do not put much value on a man’s physique as they do in America.
Therefore, the suicide rate driven by anti-socialization among (young) males is drastically low to non-existent in those regions.
Many suicides and attempted suicide cases by young men in America, is perpetrated by chubby guys who were ostracized by women their entire lives.
Since being big isn’t seen as a social handicap in other regions, guys on the bigger side are generally more sociable, accepted and sought-after.
They aren’t pressured into buffing up and hitting the gym killing themselves in order to get a Mike The Situation body nor to lose 50 lbs.
Guys aren’t pressured into having to create fake-online profiles in order to mask their true identity to attract unsuspecting women.
The average guy who gets laid in South American countries and the wider Caribbean are chubby dudes or scrawny guys with chests as flat as an ironing board!
For the guys out there reading this going, “Kenny you’re just full of shit because you’re some fat out-of-shape guy who’s trying to justify being a fat slob”!
As you can see from this other recent photo of me; I’m very much in shape and I’m ripped on my best days.
So I’m not a fat-insecure guy who’s fed up of not getting dates and shunned.
In spite of having a chiseled-athletic body; it isn’t what gets me laid.
Having a great body yet lacking confidence in your social skills will always sink you.
Having a hot body doesn’t mean you’ll be getting laid (based on that alone).
A chubby guy with decent amounts of skills in social dynamics who knows how to be confident will always beat out the shallow-jacked Guido who relies on looks and his body to attract women.
This also correlates with an article I wrote a while back: “Ugly men get laid more than hot ones”.
Good-looking men generally do NOT get laid [that is- what society deems as good-looking].
These Adonis-looking guys with chiseled bodies are generally very insecure and vain when it comes to appearance. And they cannot hold a decent conversation for shit!
Just like the super model; those girls are the most insecure set of women on the face of the Earth, although they have the most desirable bodies.
So good looks rarely ever translate to a good character and a good person.
Just as the ripped guy; he can at times attract women by sheer physique, but he’s shallow as ever and usually turns off women during the 1st. minute of convo.
Opposed to the overweight fat guy, the perceived-ugly guy and the scrawny guy; they might not have desirable bodies, but a huge number of those guys are hella fucking confident, which is why they get laid more and have more success in dating than the jacked guy.
And I’m not sure if it’s even the media’s fault, because in all of those regions (where fat men are king of poon), they’re still bombarded with infomercials to get ripped, or Americanized TV shows which demonize fat men as undateable.
So the American media realistically isn’t to be blamed.
Perhaps the blame lies squarely on American women who are too shallow-minded in dating, that they’d reject a guy solely because he doesn’t have a jacked male-stripper body.
In the Caribbean and the other regions mentioned, chubby guy on the left would get laid more than ripped guy on the right:
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This phenomenon had puzzled the shit out of me for years throughout my travels in Latin America, Puerto Rico and the entire western hemisphere.
In the grand scheme of things, guys who are struggling in the American-dating scene because of weight issues should:
•focus on the bigger things, which are self-confidence in your body and comfort in your present skin.
•Accept yourself and your body for what it is.
•Build an (attractive) social life.
The worst possible thing you can do is to deceive others by creating fake-online profiles, portraying yourself to be a physically fit guy when you’re not.
Also, there’s no need to scurry on down to the gym to try transforming your physique from a Rick Ross’ to a Taylor Lautner’s just to appease shallow women…unless you’re personally desirous to get in better shape.
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You can sport the sexiest-male body, but if the mind isn’t in the right place; you’ll still fail with women.
Just walk into a nightclub and scope it out; the men who are getting the most action aren’t good-looking (by society’s standards) nor are they ripped.
They are chubbies with beer-bellies and skinny guys with skeletal physiques.
Conversely, you will be at a disadvantage online however, since most girls look @ a guy’s photo first to then decide if she’ll interact with him.
But forget about online dating. That shit is for pussies and men who are scared to interact mano-a-mano, vis-a-vis with hot girls.
So if you’re overweight, fat or on the chubby side, and are having difficulties competing in the American-dating scene; just focus on building body language, Alpha-male posture, being confident and improving your conversational skills.
Then you’ll be surprised to see that the otherwise shallow chick at the bar is rapping with you instead of a guy with my body LOL!
Oh yea; Fuck the marketers who want to get rich off of you by promising that if you purchase their products, you’ll lose a zillion lbs. in the first few hours!
Even if it does work; you’ll still be that insecure-fat guy on the inside who believes that looks is the magic bullet to bang-ville.
Lastly, take a page out of my cousin’s book.
With his consent, I’m posting the following pictures of him below.
![My favorite cousin, Dj Daddy Nate, NYC DJ since the late 1980's [the age of 16].](http://kennyspuathoughts.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/daddynate.jpg "daddynate.jpg")
My favorite cousin, Dj Daddy Nate, NYC DJ since the late 1980′s [the age of 16].
My cousin’s an NYC DJ since the age of 16.
He’s well renown in the Reggae and Hip-Hop circles throughout New York City.
As you can see from the picture; he’s huge in stature and body!
But he’s even more fucking HUGE in confidence like no other guy I’ve ever known!
Throughout his bachelor years as a DJ, he was getting laid more than any other guy around.
This dude has been banging chicks of every nationality since the 80′s!
I recall numerous times when I was like 8 years old [in 1989], he would bring chicks back to the apartment [I was staying with his parents then], and while banging them, he would coerce me to fondle their tits and ass LOL!
He actually aided me in getting my virginity taken many many years later.
Was it the fact that he’s a DJ that made him so confident and got bitches left to right?
No!
He’s just naturally confident and doesn’t see his size as a handicap.
Being a DJ did flip the attraction switch for him and made him more desirable, but it was ultimately his positive vibe, energy and humor which got him laid like a Rockstar.
To this day, he’d joke with me that “women love fat men to cuddle with like teddy bears”.
He really fucking believed this!
This belief system of his [that he was the most desirable guy around despite his size], made him appear more attractive to women (on a subconscious level).
This is what we call “Rock-Solid Inner Game” in pickup!
His humor, laughter and energy are contagious as fuck!
So that’s why I’m encouraging every big guy out there to work on:
•Charms
•Laughter
•Humor
•Social vibing
•Positive energy
And you’ll be amazed at how much ass you’ll be tapping into, while the buff, ripped guy with the male-stripper body is left to go home alone masturbating.
And this hearkens back to a saying of mines: “Self-confidence beats the shit out of good looks any day of the week”!
Work on your inner-game [confidence, humor...] first, and outer-game [body] last!
Dj Daddy Nate
It all depends on the person. It’s not shallow, but realistic, that a 10 wouldn’t want to be with a 3. People tend to gravitate towards those who are on par with their level of attractiveness (or at least they should….). Whether you have a six pack or a beer belly, there is someone out there to fit everyone.
Agreed. A woman who takes care of herself physically and works out is less likely to want a sloppy looking man. And if we really think about it, men (who can pick and choose at will -:because of their looks, personality, financial situation, etc) are likely more shallow. I bet you’d be more likely to see a physically fit and or slim woman on their arms than a morbidly obese woman.
Well that sort of plays into 1 of my points which was that the more attractive the guy, generally the more shallow he is and has no substance, that’s why I’d pointed out that the guys who are getting girls and relationships are ugly dudes and chubby dudes. Ugly by society’s standard. I find that guys who are fit or ripped to be very insecure and have meager social skills, while the guy who didn’t have it in the looks department had to improve on his social skills (since he doesn’t have the looks).
Shallow over substance is the big question. Most shallow women (American women) get excited by shallow guys until they realize the guys have no substance compared to the guy who isn’t that attractive.
I noted that point, but it’s not true in my experience. I’ve always dated men with nice physiques. I actually love a nice broad back with a proportionate, tight waistline, and nice muscular thighs (oh, but wait – I digressed! Just had a flashback to my St. Lucian soccer player boyfriend). LOL. There may be some truth to what you’re saying about ripped men being insecure – but I’ve met a few intelligent ones (not necessarily dated) who are in the fitness industry. They’re business minded and intelligent, have good social skills, discipline, a sharp focus on their overall health (and helping others) and are very attractive. Yumm. Are they few and far between? I don’t know. Did I just describe a narrow slice of the male population? Maybe.
But I maintain my initial point that having a preference as to who you are willing to date based on physical appearance is not necessarily being shallow. It’s called begin discerning and dating who and what is appealing to you. I will exercise that right – just like the men who engage me are exercising their right.
A real narrow slice of the pie.
Very rare that you sort of agree with me.
And what about the St. Lucian guy, his body wasn’t in tip-top shape?
Hmm, oh well. I guess I’ve been lucky then. But since I’ve met some men like the ones I describe, I”m likely to meet more because I’m open to it and optimistic about it. (The law of attraction). Yea, the St. Lucian guy was and still is in great shape. Still plays soccer. His thighs and abs… (sigh). And he’s an electrician and does some carpentry so that helped too. Chile please. Smh.
Lol so looking @ it, you’ve had your fair share of hunks and beef cakes. You’re 1 lucky girl!
Just a few. I wouldn’t call them beefcakes, just fit or lean. The funny thing, I wasn’t even attracted to them at first. Not one of them. I guess I couldn’t exercise my shallow-ness because I couldn’t see their abs, thighs and backs through their clothes. (shots fired.) They got me with conversation. (eye roll)
You definitely lucked up. How is the luck going for you now? Still get those opportunities to attract hot men with brains?
I’m surprised no one accused you of being shallow for posting those bare chested pics.
LMAO you knew I had to throw some of me up in the mix just for you to call me out.
I guess, as always – we will agree to disagree on the overall message of this post. Exercising choice does not make for a shallow woman.
Yes it does. Choice is great, but use it wisely or you’ll end up with a guy who thinks he’s gift to women and doesn’t wanna be tied down.
This is general advice to women out there; not necessarily you Isis.
I only give serious consideration to men who recognize that “I” am a gem. And I have to consider them the same. Thanks.
Just because you’re not attracted to a certain body type, doesn’t mean you overlook substance. We all judge one another based on appearance first and then we get to “what lies beneath.” And ultimately, you find that inner traits and chemistry are what make for long term happiness in a relationship. But that doesn’t mean you didn’t do a double-take when your partner walked by the first time. You liked what you saw on the surface, and then you delved deeper. That is all.
True. But you really don’t think that the average American girl is totally looks-driven?
I would have to say no since the average American girl is not walking around with a fit, attractive (to me) man on her arms. The average man is not in the gym 6 days a week and focused on his diet and nutrition. And let’s just say that’s true (for the sake of argument). I would still argue that the average man is more looks-driven – even if his culture dictates that thicker women are more attractive. If you look at plastic surgery statistics, I’m sure the number of women who are having procedures, far outweigh the number of men who are. Are we getting but injections and fake breasts for other women to look at? I think not. Women are doing it to fancy mens’ unrealistic (shallow) tastes. Again —- I wouldn’t accuse ALL men (American or otherwise) of being shallow daters based on their preference, but If I had to say one sex was more shallow than the other when it comes to dating, I would say that is MEN.
You’re right; men are more looks-driven than women. Now that I think about it, this post has so many natural contradictions that it’s not even funny lol!
Why I said that is that men are looks-driven almost totally, while women are more attracted to substance and a good personality.
So the contradictions continue.
I agree with that. Many beautiful women have men whose looks aren’t up to par, but they know exactly what to do to make their woman feel like a Queen. (Like Rihanna’s song “only girl in the world.”) The post made for good discussion.
I started writing a post about Catfish today too! I watched it last night. I was instantly into this post, but then you switched it up and started talking directly to your male readers about getting ass. (Lost me! ) I know your job is to generalize but American women – just like “foreign” women, are attracted to whatever their preference is. Because I find a man with a big gut and back rolls physically unattractive doesn’t make me shallow. If a man likes rail thin women and I don’t fit the bill, it doesn’t make him shallow. We, as individuals can’t be everything to everybody. Further, if a man perpetrates and shows fake pictures of himself because he’s ashamed that he’s fat, the real issue is his low self esteem. It would be more appropriate (as you did at the end) to focus on that – versus slinging mud at women. (I know, I know – that’s your job).
Lol I’m not a misogynist.
But the transition from Catfish into fat guys was pretty reasonable since most of the guys (and women) on Catfish happens to be overweight.
I’m not knocking preferences, but as I pointed out in the post, women in other regions of the world that I named are way more open to dating guys with rolls.
I’ve only seen two episodes of Catfish – and in one the guy was a young, tall, attractive white male, so I can’t speak on that. The transition was based on what you wanted the post to be about – whatever sparked the most interest to you. No qualms with that but I just wasn’t smiling anymore. LOL. My angle was different when I started my Catfish post. Someone compared my dominant personality to someone on the episode I watched. I won’t tell you which one! And I abandoned the post. (Whoever don’t like it, too bad. lol)
Lol you’re something else.
I’ve only seen like 3 episodes.
I seen the 1 with the attractive-white guy.
I said to myself, WTF is he doing getting into online relationship!?
I shouldn’t need that!
Anyway, what is your catfish post about, and when will you publish?
I wrote two paragraphs and scrapped it. Wasn’t feeling it. I wrote an entirely different post “What To Do When A Man Rejects You.”
Shit happens. Even this article gave me major issues. I’d scrapped my first 2 drafts which is why I deviated off into “fat guys” instead of sticking to the Catfish script.
OHhhhh. Yea. the one I wrote will resonate with more people. I should’ve posted it tonight.
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You know I could like this one million times Kenny…..I could comment for hours on this one! But you’re right…..I’m a big guy and trust me I get many less messages than my co-author because of that solely. But my thing is this – I always say if I can get the chance to talk to a woman, then I feel like I have a shot. I have confidence when the opportunity presents itself. And as I am getting older, women are more receptive to a nice guy in spite of physique.
Many less messages on your blog? Or somewhere else?
Nah not on the blog bossy. Me and my co-author are on POF and he probably gets triple of the messages I do because he is a slim guy.
@MP & Bossy- I been on POF too for a minute eventhough I don’t really follow up since I’m against online dating right now.
But that goes to the point I was making, the slim guys or the ones with a solid body will always get the upper hand in online dating since the first thing a girl sees is the profile picture. A big guy will have better results face to face meeting women while out, since they can impose their personality right away.
I agree with Kenny. On a site, girls can’t see your vibe or confidence as well as they could in person. Try to get some pics that show that more (if possible), and make your profile read that way too. But I think online, girls just look at the face and 6 pack abs to weed out the plentitude of guys. You should also not just be relying on online dating!
A woman can feel your vibe and confidence through your profile. You can build attraction through your words (good conversation). Most guys online don’t even have pictures with their shirts off. It’s usually like a beach setting or playing sports. I think it’s moist to be oiled up online, taking pictures in your bathroom. Plus that makes it seem like you’re trying way too hard.
Now you’re talking girl lol! You summed up what I wanted to say. Once a big guy can communicate through his pics and profile that he has a cool character opposed to looking and sounding all miserable as if the world has wronged him, the he’ll get better results.
And it’s hard to see confidence through photos.
@Reema
Oh it’s moist alright! You crack me up with your terms. Seriously though, a quality woman doesn’t take those bathroom-in-a-towel-only pictures seriously.
You’re right bossy. I may have to go to church and find a wholesome girl lol
Lol yea I had you in mind when I was writing this post.
Basically that’s what I’m saying. Just to get that opportunity to hold a conversation, women will begin to realize that there is substance within. But the messed up part is, in the states, big guys aren’t even given that opportunity on a regular basis unless they seek it out.
Reblogged this on Black Men UNCENSORED and commented:
This is a great commentary here on big guys and dating!
Good advice. Confidence trumps physique. Don’t agree that American women are more shallow than anyone else? Maybe the cutlure here is, and that’s because they are trying to sell us shit all the time. I see hot girls with not as hot guys a lot. And I see it a lot more than I see hot guys with not as hot girls. Way, way more.
That is seen as lot in America; hottest girls with guys who aren’t hot. This is very common, and that’s why I say saying that self-confidence trumps looks.
So this post is sort of contradictive in nature.
My cousin, the DJ, is a great example of confidence beating the shit out of a rock-solid body.
This guy absolutely believes he’s the hottest things around, and this resonate with the women he interacts with.
Love the pics btw. What I love most are the poses!
I think everybody agrees that on average, men care about a woman’s physical looks more than women do about a man’s. It’s why men watch endless amounts of porn–purely physical, visual medium–whereas women read romance novels–no images, only words that evoke feelings and emotions. (Romance novels are the biggest segment of the book industry.)
This is true of men and women all over the world generally (of course, different cultures have different conceptions of beauty, but the focus for men is always the physical beauty of the woman, whatever “beautiful” means to them).
That said, Kenny you bring up an interesting point. I would say there are subcultures in America where male physical beauty is valued more than others. For instance, LA is often considered a very superficial town. So on average LA women would probably weigh looks more heavily than Boston women. Even though, again, non-physical factors (like confidence, dominance, etc) are more important to women in general. I do agree that American culture as a whole is more superficial (both men and women) than other cultures.
The relationship between a man’s fitness and his sex appeal is interesting. On the one hand, maybe a fat man is fat because he has spent years dedicated to his business or building himself up in his field, so he hasn’t had time to devote to getting in shape. In which case, that dedication and ambition will be a big part of his personality, and hence his attractiveness. On the other hand, when a man invests in himself through fitness, it does say something about his confidence and persistence–which also very much contributes to his attractiveness. So it all depends on which factor is more influential for a given man.
Many great points IP.
Thinking about it, perhaps my DJ cousin focused all this energies on his business and career as a DJ and neglect his fitness (which is what he did).
But that is also very attractive and a DHV as you’d know (being your own boss or being a DJ).
Another solid point; LA is the city of superficiality. With that said, you do have a point that depended on where you are in the US, the level of superficiality is higher.
For instance, NYC as you’d know (since you’re from the city) isn’t that superficial. Guys who are getting laid in NYC are scrawny dudes (as Paul Janka said) and big dudes.
Yeah NYC is an interesting world unto itself, since it’s so big. You have 20-something gold diggers trolling the Meatpacking district for financial guys–for them it’s all about the money, to hell with his looks. Then you have the hippies and the hipster chicks in the EV or Brooklyn who actually seem to prefer skinny, scrawny dudes. Then in some areas of SI, which is more influenced by Jersey, you have a strong Guido culture where the big muscles, tans, hair gel, etc are the thing. Probably in some college-grad-heavy districts like Murray Hill lots of girls will go for the big and tall jock types, but not necessarily chiseled physique. And I haven’t even gotten to Harlem. It’s a crazy town, man. Lol!
BTW, enjoy the islands while you can. It’s 13 degrees here right now! I was out trying to daygame today and it was brutal.
That’s so true with the SI Guido type thing. Also, overall in the city, I feel that social status plays a bigger role for a guy than looks overall.
Goddamn it’s cold. But the other day, it was like 50 something degrees. Trying to day game in that cold is treacherous!
Like Summer mentioned, I think women are inclined to desire men on their level of attractiveness. That being said, I don’t think it’s the women’s fault for being superficial.
Our (U.S.) women are constantly being told to compare themselves to magazine models (who are *graphically enhanced*/photoshopped). If they are to be considered attractive by the judgmental frenemies around them and by society, then (in their mind) they should be hooking up with the finest looking dudes (which is why they become so choosy and reject the less-than-mediocre dudes, especially in a club/party scene).
This whole situation is caused by the insecurities put on both men and women by smart, ruthless advertisement managers trying to make a quick buck.
Well this was 1 of my point too; Hollywood and the media pushing all this Barbie stuff.
So who gets the blame; media, marketers or women?
I guess everyone gets at least a little of the blame. I can’t say who’s more responsible, but it’s definitely not just one group’s fault. I do wish there was a way to reverse it, though.
I feel you. I had a difficult time at whom or what to cast the blame.
“Good-looking men generally do NOT get laid [that is- what society deems as good-looking].”
Nah. Good looking guy will be approached more and more and will have alpha mentality at the end. And this turns on women.
On another side – it takes 1-2 years to fix your body (3-4 if you are fat). In 90% of guys there is no excuse not to get fit.
I’m not saying to not get fit and in shape. But if you’re a big guy who’s going to the gym in order to lose weight just to attract women, then that is coming from a bad place.
This is the dichotomy that is very well known; you see a perceived ugly guy with a super hot girl and you ask yourself “What does she see in him”?
BTW, is this Maven the PUA coach?
Focusing on fitness and health attracts positive opportunities across the board. It boosts confidence and shows a level of discipline which is attractive.
Definitely. I wasn’t advocating not getting fit. But I find that most big guys who want to get fit, are doing it from the wrong place instead of they trying to do it for themselves.
Not true. A lot of men care about their health and physique and are not working out primarily for women. Some of them are even gay. And plus, whenever you focus on self-improvement, people find it attractive.
Getting women is just a by-product. If you feel good, you radiate more positive energy.
Making a fake profile is the ultimate loser move. The game is never that slow where you have to do any of that. Just because you’re a big dude, does not mean you can’t get dimes. That’s a major cop out. You have to take responsibility for your game. Men of all shapes and sizes who reject the game complain about not getting attractive women. The game is very real. Stop saying you don’t need game.
Also, let’s look deeper into the people on that episode Catfish. The girl was a stripper still living with her parents. Basically she’s a broke party girl. What dude who is true to the game is going to date that? The dude is over 30 living with his family with his kids. C’mon man! Your size has nothing to do with you not getting women. You’re a loser that’s why.
Finally, talking to women online doesn’t count. That’s why if you’re going to use online dating, you have to get women off line ASAP. Talking for weeks, months and years online doesn’t even make any sense. A lot of women look for simps online to send them money and shit. That’s big right now.
LMAO damn Reema you went all in and all out on the stripper and the dude living with family.
The point you’re making is that your lifestyle is more important to attract than to have good looks.
That makes lot of sense.
Once a guy gets his overall life in order, he’ll have better results.
Once again, we’re on the same page with the online game thing. You have to transition right away to phone and meet ASAP.
I made the mistake many times where I’d engage in online chats for weeks and then wonder why the girl doesn’t wanna meet up.
I think don’t one thing is more important. You want to be the best man you can be. That’s in all aspects of your life. Having your shit together will help you if you’re not physically attractive. For a man though, looks aren’t as important as it is for women.
You know I have a 3 message MAX with women online. I give them my number and tell them when to call me. This helps me get the attention whores and time wasters out of the way. Your time is very valuable.
lol Reema! I watched a few episodes yesterday. I think that’s what happens, both parties are getting something out of it that they can’t get in real life. Lame. If both were working on themselves instead of taking shortcuts, they wouldn’t have been in that situation.
hahaha I told you!
Right on kenny, but big girls care more about looks unfortunately, so I gotta stay in shape!