My 2012 Pledge & Manifesto
If this ugly world of ours doesn’t blow, or life as we know it isn’t drastically altered to where we’ll be dwelling in a fucking post-WWII-type sphere, this will be my pledge for 2012 on into 2013[fingers crossed].
*I pledge to become a better boyfriend to my on & off MILF GF [although she does shit to intentionally drive me off the cliff…but she’s a woman, so it’s understandable].
*I will do my DAMN best to refrain from flirting with every chick in the club. Also to put an end to my sleazy-bar tactics: like smacking girls on their asses just because I know they secretly love an audacious bastard like I am [sure beats the hell out of Joe Blow approaching her talking about the weather or which school she attended] SMH!
*And I pledge from the deepest depths of my dirty heart, that if another half- inebriated/drunk hot chic throws herself all over me like a Jersey Shore slopapatamous [thanks for that one Sitch], I will activate every once of my moral fiber to not take her home and bang her like a caveman with no regards for her sanity at the moment.
*As much as it pains me to say: I know I’ve been extra critical of grossly over-weight females, giving them all sorts of degrading titles like Fat, Big, Chubby, BBW’s…I need to realize that a 300lb. girl was perhaps born that way, opposed to eating herself into obesity and an early grave [although I honestly know that’s bullshit]. But I promise to lighten up on the fat-girl jihad.
*I pledge that I will NOT become a hypocrite, like the former-Republican House-Speaker, Newt Gingrich: banging women on the side while castigating Bill Clinton for doing the same thing.
*Last but damn-sure not least: If my GF does dump me for being a slacker, jerkoff and a bar-hopping prick, I promise to not take vengeance by doing something real flubbed up and immoral [to some]- like sleeping with 1 of her hotter friends [not that I have].
All in all: I’m just tryna strive to be a better man in 2012. Push comes to shove- I may go out with a f-ing bang if the Mayan’s artifacts prove to be factual. If that be the case: this manifesto will be tossed out the window [fingers crossed].